It’s clear the commissioner didn’t like the piece I wrote them. Their infectious enthusiasm in their asking-me-to-write-them-something emails was conspicuously missing from communications following the first rehearsal, with communications themselves vanishing altogether after the performance.
To be clear, they are absolutely allowed to not like my piece. It’s a huge shame for me of course – I tried really, really hard and was both happy and intrigued by what I’d written (it felt like another noticeable step of evolution for me as a writer in the way I was treating sounds and structure.) But perhaps they wanted something more like what I’d written before. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever get to know the answer to that.
The thing is, as a lovely little bonus, they are also avoiding paying me, leaving me to repeatedly chase them. I’m now in the unpleasant situation of having to repeatedly punch myself in the bruise of this whole thing, needing to repeatedly revisit the situation it seems we’d all like to forget.
This has brought up many thoughts for me. Here are some:
- How to I take this dislike of my piece as constructive criticism without becoming fearful of exploring, like to one of those pop bands which just writes the same song over and over again for fear of losing its current fanbase?
- How do I keep asking for my fee without it feeling like a repeated punch in the self-esteem?
- How can I explore who I am musically while also working as a composer? Am I allowed to change or have I missed my chance by not doing it as a student?
- Did I write a terrible piece and just not know? Did I have something exciting about me that, due to me never being able to see it in myself, I am now walking away from without realising?
- Am I just being a big baby instead of just sending them a final invoice with the Musicians’ Union cc’d and just getting over myself?
I’m going to encourage the other Music Patron composers over here to join in the conversation in the comments; patrons and composers alike – please drop your thoughts below!
