Since 2017, I have held an alternative (rude) Xmas Eve carol service outside my house (Rubber Chicken House) in Ramsgate. I’ve always enjoyed creating silly versions of pop songs, and the lyrics flowed.

Ding Dong Merrily On Pie, in heaven, the food is tasty …

The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen, so I just walked inside …

Oh Holey Tights, my gusset is quite chilly …

It Had A Lot Of Hair (for which I didn’t care) …

Last Christmas I Did A Big Fart

Pants, they bought me, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum …  

It wasn’t long before I had a spreadsheet of potential numbers. I prepared the 12 best songs and formed a little band of musician friends to accompany the service on my doorstep.

In the first year, 75 people came. We raised a few hundred pounds for the local Homeless Shelter. In the second year, 150 came. I made a massive VAT of mulled wine (in a pan that takes 12 bottles) – and passed them among the crowd. My neighbours handed out warm mince pies. We raised £500 in a 40-minute carol service.

It only took two years for Ding Dong Merrily On Pie to become a Ramsgate institution. Now our 8th year is dawning.

People start to arrive around 5.30 pm (for a 6.30 pm start), and re-mixed Christmas classics play from a speaker to set the mood. Cliff Richard’s Mistletoe and Wine has been adapted so that a rubber chicken squark can be heard whenever the word ‘wine’ appears. My favourites are Jingle Cluck, Mistletoe and Cluck, and We Wish You A Merry Cluckmas. My window is decorated with my rubber chicken collection to accompany the scene.

Volunteers, often friends, dish out the mulled wine and lyric sheets. They shake the collection bucket and ask people to give generously to the local homeless shelter. A neighbour projects song lyrics onto a wall; there are too many attendees to provide lyrics for all these days. My band (which now varies from year to year) rehearse a couple of hours beforehand. We don’t want it to be too prepared. There has to be an element of improvisation, Les Dawson-esque errors, and pandemoniousness. When we emerge to set up our gear on the doorstep, there is a tingle of excitement from the crowd. We always start with Ding Dong Merrily On Pie.

2018: Ding Dong Merrily On Pie – Lyrics by Emily Peasgood

Volunteers on the balcony wear rubber chicken masks and throw small rubber chickens into the audience throughout the carol service to take home. Sometimes, a unique (and unexpected) guest appears on the balcony.

2019: It Had A Lot Of Hair – Lyrics by Emily Peasgood

This event is the highlight of my year. I get to be my ridiculous self, who used to be told, ‘EMILY, don’t be immature’. Only now are hundreds of people laughing hysterically and loving the puerile humour. Local people have contributed songs of the songs; a few are covers.

2017: Can You Stop The Canapes – Lyrics by The Amateur Transplants

There’s often a political nod. One of my favourite songs, with lyrics by my friend Michelle Meow, reflects upon our previous MP and his lack of care for environmental issues in our waters.

2022: Can You Smell What I Smell? – Lyrics by Michelle Meow

I hope to take this further and form a rude choir one day. I have many ideas:

There’s a Turd On The Dance Floor

Un-Smell My Fart

(Are You) Long Enough To Be My Man

Can’t Get You Out of My Bed

But for now, I am very excited about Christmas Eve!! If you’d like more information about this event (or would like to attend), our Facebook event page is here.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!

Emily

P.S. Thanks to Chris Constantine for documenting these past events and to Karen Hawkins for organising the 2024 Advent Doors event.